ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
