I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
