I feel like I'm in dance class right now
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
