I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
