proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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