I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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