No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
