We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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