i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I fill condoms, not promises.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
