I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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