I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
