I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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