well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
