apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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