good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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