what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My ass is underappreciated
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