I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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