I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
