He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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