sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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