If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
