so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
