M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
