that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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