i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
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Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
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i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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