so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
