I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
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I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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