Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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