I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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