Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
