Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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