I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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