you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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