need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
