Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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