I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
