At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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