my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
