I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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