They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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