Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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