I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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