it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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