i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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