it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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