I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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