I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Shame - the story of my life.
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