I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
