It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
