I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Randomize
