I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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