hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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