Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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