when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
