Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
