I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
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Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
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My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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