I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
