i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
