the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
